As progressive as our society claims to be, there are still certain life targets that I’m suppose to hit…marriage, babies and a home to call my own. But what instead of breaking out in a smile, I start having chest pains? Is something wrong with the system or it is me? And do I really want these things? Or am I just programmed? In a crisis people always to tell you to listen to your gut. Mine was telling me to ditch the system.
Dan. Yes, the married guy that I have been seeing for over a year now. I humiliated myself one evening not too long ago…got drunk and told him that I loved him. Woops. Big huge mistake. His response was, “I care about you.” Uh-huh. But I do love him. I think about him all the time. He makes me laugh…he makes me blush…he makes me cry…he makes me frustrated….I cannot stop having sex with him. That’s the best part of our relationship…is the sex-thing. When we’re done…I can’t wait to do it again!
I have come to another realization. I need help. Professional help, that is. I need someone to tell me that having sex with a married man is wrong and that I need to end it with him - stat. I just cannot get myself to do that all by myself. I can’t imagine never seeing Dan again…never getting an email from him again…never hearing his voice again. It’s just all too scary for me. He’s all I got now.
Well, I’ve been single and I’ve been married. I can tell you that I hate them both equally. I just want a boyfriend. I boyfriend who “gets me”…
Well, I met another man…via the internet, where else? His name is David. I actually answered HIS ad…about finding perky ones, believe it or not. Yes, and by perky ones he meant breast size. Typical male. Anyhoo…our first meeting was at Barnes & Noble Bookstore in late July. When I first saw him, I have to tell ya…I was not impressed with his physical appearance. Yes, he was tall and lanky...but his face and hair wasn’t what I had hoped for. But as we chatted over drinks….I thought…this guy is really nice, sincere, polite, articulate…hmmmm, perhaps I wrote him off too soon.
I had sex with him after our second date. Omigosh…I’m so easy, it’s borderline pathetic. It crossed my mind that I probably wouldn’t hear from David again….but he actually called the next day to see how I was doing. Since then we’ve been chatting and going out. The more I see him, the more I like him. Like I told Dan….I’m going to be interested in a guy by the way he treats me…not by his looks or his wealth. And certainly if he’s a workaholic…see ya!!
The other day it hit me as to why NOW I’m attracted to David….and why I like him so much. He reminds me of Craig!!! That’s it. He’s the epitome of Craig! Huh. This could be bad.
It’s freezing outside…I cannot believe November is just around the corner. I have this strange gut feeling that the relationship with David is fizzling. The following are my reasons:
1. For my birthday he sent me an e-card…um…that’s it;
2. Last Sunday he cancelled plans with me because his buddy invited him to see Circ De Soleil…is it me or did I just move down on the priority list??;
3. He doesn’t call like he used to; and the eyebrow raiser…
4. We made plans to get together as soon as I got off from work…he asked when I could be over to his house…I replied, “5:30”…his reply, “how about 6:30, I want to run and then take a shower.”
I just want to find a guy who absolutely adores me…inspires me….notices when I’m not around….and if he sends me flowers at work, I might just have to marry him. Is that too much to ask for?? I know there’s an amazing man somewhere out there who will be the father of my children. I just have to believe and keep on looking.
The other night I had this most wonderful dream. Dan wanted to marry me. I remember the dream SO vividly. We were dancing to music, being goofballs, having sex, and then he told me that he wanted to marry me…he then interrupted himself and said we should first get engaged. I actually told him about the dream minus the engagement part…didn’t want to scare the hell out of him. That will never happen in real life…it will remain just a dream.
Happiness…would you like some? Um…yes.
Just a couple weeks away from Christmas…and I’m SO not in the Christmassy mood, not even a little. David and I are still dating. But that’s not the reason why I haven’t been in the festive mood lately. Last week David told me that he has an STD. My stomach sunk. Ever since then I have had a mild headache and I can’t shake the feeling that I’m the source of his STD. I keep racking my brains of how this could happen. And what’s worse is that David thinks HE may have given it to ME, and feels just awful about it. Oh, the guilt…on my part. I haven’t made an appointment to see my doctor…out of fear…out of what I already know.
Oh what a tangled web I weave. Last Thursday evening I had sex with Dan. And I didn’t tell him about the STD scare. I’m such a pathetic person…self-indulgent…a liar. I hate myself for putting Dan in jeopardy. But I wanted to be close to him so bad. I wanted to feel him inside me…feel his kisses on my body…his smell…his touch. He asked me if I missed him. I miss him as soon as he walks out my front door. After sex he mentioned that he hasn’t been laid since the last time we were together. Which was about a month ago. He went on to say that he and his wife just don’t connect anymore. I was ecstatic.
Well, I made it through the holidays…barely. Dan brought me breakfast on this bright Sunday morning…then we had sex in my bed. It was so wonderful. He said he could hold me all day. I have nothing but time for him. Every time Dan and I get together…visions of David flash in my mind. If I convince myself that David is cheating on me, then I don’t feel so bad. But I know he’s not. I really don’t want to hurt him…he doesn’t deserve it…he doesn’t deserve me…a conniving little bitch.
Dan has been calling our sex sessions…making love. In his last email he used the word “l-o-v-e-”…he usually spells it “l-u-v”…but not this time. He is just teasing me…throwing me a bone. Well, this time I’m not going to go fetch it. We will never be together and I have finally come to accept it. That’s why I’m still dating David. I can’t be totally alone. Dan once said to me that he doesn’t want out of his marriage. That statement echoed inside me for the next couple of days. It just made me latch onto David even more…who I am sure is not The One.
Valentine’s Day is two days away. David is in London and Dan has a wife. I guess I will be toasting to myself alone that night. Can I for once, before I die, have a nice romantic Valentine’s Day???
Family. The word itself is overrated. I hate my dysfunctional family. I hate my emotionless mother who is never without criticism. I hate my selfish father who taught me how to cheat on a love one. I hate my opinionated brother who thinks it’s his way or the highway. I hate Craig for making me want to die. I hate Dan for not leaving his wife for me. I hate the fact that I have to drink just to forget everything.
What’s wrong with me?
Last Saturday evening I got drunk and ended up staying over at David’s house. He carried me upstairs and then he laid out my make-up wipes and toothbrush so I could get ready for bed. The next morning I woke up with an awful hangover. He was the doting [boy] friend. He brought me Advil and cold water and cuddled with me all morning. We eventually had sex…but I was feeling much better by then. I sense we are getting closer and closer. And yet after seven months of seeing each other, he still refers to me as ‘the girl he has been dating’. That statement makes me sound like one of many. When do I move up to girlfriend status? Just wondering….
…because I need to know when I have to start being faithful. I honestly don’t know if I can do that. Even though I care about David…I’m curious of what else is out there…and can I survive without ever seeing Dan again? I’m so scared of that feeling of being trapped…not able to breathe. I convinced myself that as long as David and I don’t have “the talk”…then we are not really in a committed relationship; and therefore, we can see other people. Am I just not that into him?
Last month Dan and I were at a Bed and Breakfast together. He lifted something off the table that accidentally revealed a post-it that read, “I love you XOXO”. His wife wrote that to him. He didn’t confirm that but he quickly apologized to me and mumbled something about boundaries. He didn’t have to say anything, I knew. I can still picture that post-it in my mind today. I swear I had an epiphany. I knew right then and there I should have walked out the door and never looked back. Dan has a wife who loves him and two young children who rely on him. He is a family man…and I am a home wrecker.
Omigosh! On March 2, 2006, Dan said those three little words that I have been waiting a long time to hear. He said, “I love you”. Not, I love to see you or I love everything about you….but simply, “I love you”. While we were in my car saying our good-byes…he said that he didn’t want to go home…and that he wanted to go home with me. I sense that he is truly unhappy with his family life. On the inside, I couldn’t stop grinning.
Dan purchased INXS concert tickets. I was impressed. Not many people impress me, but the day when he told me that we’re going to the concert…damn, I was impressed. That evening we had the greatest time together. We laughed, we danced, and really we created memories that will be with us forever. I never told Dan this…but that was one of the best evenings of my life.
I have these two great guys who are crazy about me…and it’s killing me. I can’t stop the [bleeding] lies. I don’t want to hurt either of them. This is so wrong, but I can’t stop. I don’t want to be alone. I know it’s just a matter of time before my two worlds collide…I can hear the ticking…it’s getting louder.
Lately both of my jobs have been making my life unbearable. I have been thinking about ending my life [again]. I could leave all this. I really could. I am so tired of trying to please everyone. It only makes me hate myself even more. So when I throw up it’s like all the guilty feelings are being flushed away and I can start over. When I throw up I don’t think about how everything is so wrong and that I just want to disappear. When I throw up a feeling of warmth comes over me because I know I’m one step closer to dying.
Why do I equate loneliness with abandonment? Why am I a cold antisocial bitch? Why am I having a love affair with my soul mate who is married? Why am I so unhappy? What’s wrong with me?
When I first saw him in 9th grade. He woke me up inside. The attraction hit me like a freight train. I knew instantly that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this guy. Everything was beautiful, the clouds parted, the heavens opened up…except the feeling wasn’t mutual. He didn’t want me. And ever since that day…I have been searching for that thunderbolt. I think that force was somewhat there when I met Dan. But he will never be mine. And even though I’m falling in love with David…he’s not The One. But sometimes when you hold out for everything, you walk away with nothing. There is no such thing as prince charming, a white knight, the perfect man…you just have to find someone who’s nice and cares about you. All those sparks, fireworks…they are just myths.
My father always chose mistresses who had children. He was trying to find new kids to be a father to since he was dissatisfied with his own children. Ouch! My mom told me that the other day. I’m not exactly sure why she felt the need for me to know that bit of information. Apparently she is still a tad bitter about the divorce and still trying to turn me away from my father. It’s not working. I understand my father. He’s selfish. He’s vain. He’s weak. And I’m just like him.
I need a new life…or perhaps just a new wardrobe.
I can’t believe June 2006 is just around the corner. Dan and I are going on two years. David and I are going on 11 months. I’m going on 17 years waiting for Craig to show up at my front door…ready to whisk me away on his white chariot.
I wish my heart would stop beating. I wish my heart would stop beating. I wish my heart would stop beating. I wish my heart would stop beating. I wish my heart would stop beating. I wish my heart would stop beating. I wish my heart would stop beating.
When the phone rings, I sometimes not answer it to give the caller the appearance that I have ‘a life’ – but really I’m just sitting next to it…listening to it ring. Could I be more pathetic?
David’s grandmother is celebrating her 95th birthday in July and he asked me if I wanted to go to Green Bay, Wisconsin with him. That would mean meeting his entire family. David made reservations to stay at a $120.00 a night hotel. He told his mom that he wanted to stay some place nice if I accompanied him…but if not, he would cancel and stay at a Days Inn. I haven’t given him my answer yet. I’m nervous. This is taking our relationship to another level.
David is in Holland right now for three weeks…so Dan is spending tomorrow night at my place. I know it’s wrong. It just doesn’t feel wrong…because I love them both. I need them both.
At age 35, I’m still deciding what I want to be when I grow up. It’s ridiculous. I think adults ask this question to young children to get ideas for themselves. I just want to run away. Disappear somewhere in Mexico. Sell fruit and live in a hammock. I’m so tired of this ‘rat race’….even if you finish first, you’re still a rat.
What is it about that ever elusive engagement ring that seems to be the objective in every woman’s existence? I keep telling myself that I don’t ever want to get married again…but yet I keep wearing a faux engagement ring around the house. It makes me feel good…it keeps the dream alive. HUH?
It’s so exhausting trying not to be me. There’s not a day that goes by where I didn’t feel humiliated. I’m totally shocked that I don’t abuse drugs and alcohol on a daily bases…because every morning I wake up wishing I could erase the day before. It’s no wonder people think I’m a loser, a bore, a bitch…. What I would give to have a cigarette and a bottle of vodka….and some sleeping pills. I’m just not in a good place right now.
Is cheating like the proverbial tree in the forest….that it doesn’t exist if there’s no one around to catch you? The act of cheating is defined by the act of getting caught…one doesn’t exist without the other. What constitutes cheating? Denial. The story of my life. How can I be in love with two men who are so different in every conceivable way??? Is there a shrink in the house?
Okay, it’s been exactly one year from today (July 29) that David and I met at the Barnes & Noble bookstore. Two dates later, we had sex. I thought it was going to be just a one-night stand. How wrong I was. I’m not sure if it was the alcohol talking or if David really meant to say two things to me last night. The first….he said he may be falling in love with me. I told him to let me know when he does. He said he may already have. The second….he wanted to know if I would ever consider living with him. Whew! Thank goodness we were both a little tipsy…so it didn’t turn into a full fledge discussion. I was not prepared.
I got an email from Dan this morning. It started out as his typical emails do… “hey sweetness…how was your weekend…yadda yadda.” But the tone seemed different this time. The first word that came to my mind was, “desperate.” He really misses me. I should be exhausted from running through his mind all weekend. A year ago I would have been “tickled pink”, doing jumping jacks from reading an email like this one. But this time I’m neither…I’m torn…hesitant….and sad. I think of all the wonderful things Dan has done for me in the two [plus] years I’ve known him. But our relationship has always been a constant struggle for me…right from the beginning. He gave me the courage to leave me husband. I would have left everything behind just to sail around the world with him. At one point, he was my ‘everything.’ He was just never ‘mine.’
David and I passed our one-year mark…and now I look to him as my constant. David loves me…he just hasn’t boldly said it yet. But until David says, “I love you”, am I still a free agent? Do I still need Dan? I never know whether to follow my head or my heart.
In the matter of love how do you know when it’s right? Does anybody really know when it’s right….and how do you know? Are there signs? Fireworks? Is it right when it feels comfortable or is comfortable a sign that there isn’t any fireworks? Is hesitation a sign that it’s not right or is it just a sign that you’re not ready? I’m so confused.
Soul mate. Two little words and one big concept. A belief that someone somewhere is holding the key to your heart and to your dream house. All you have to do it find them. So…where is this person? If you love someone and it didn’t work out….does that mean they weren’t your soul mate? Were they just a runner up contestant in this game show called happily ever after? And as you move from age box to age box and the contestants get fewer and fewer, are your chances in finding your soul mate less and less? Soul mate – reality or torture device?
I’d say torture device. Dan is my soul mate. He’s The One. He was supposed to have left his wife to marry me. Now I’m going to spend the rest of my life knowing that someone else is married to my husband. It’s not fair.
But seriously…if Dan is my soul mate? What is David? An unforeseen close friend? Someone whom I’m killing time with until Dan comes to his senses? What have I done? Sometimes I just want the whole world to fuck off. I’m shallow…I’m self-centered…and I’m insecure. And I’m screwing with too many people’s minds and it’s making me dizzy. The guilt. I can’t concentrate.
All I can do is hope that one day there will be a swift surgical procedure that erases all the ugly memories and mistakes and leaves only the fun trips and special holidays but until that day arrives…what do I do?
David and I are planning a trip to London over Valentine’s Day (2007). I’m so excited. But I didn’t think of the food, the shopping, the sights seeing…the first thing I thought of was how was I going to explain my absence to Dan. Why? Why do I keep thinking of ways to keep Dan in my life…I am able to give him justifiable reasons right off the top of my head. It would seem perfectly logical…no eyebrow raising. I truly believe lying is a gift…and I have it. Sadly.
There’s 84 days until New Year’s Day [2007]…maybe by then I can drop kick this bad habit. Just breathe…
That’s it. I need a therapist who can prescribe meds. Stat.
I started to think about belief. Maybe it’s not even advisable to be optimistic after the age of 30. Maybe pessimism is something we have to start applying daily, like moisturizer. Otherwise, how do you bounce back when reality batters your belief system and love does not, as promise, conquer all? Is hope a drug we need to go off of or is it keeping us alive. What’s the harm in believing?
How about fate? That crazy concept that we’re not really responsible for the course our lives take…that’s in the stars. Maybe that explains why if you live in a city where you can’t even see the stars, your love life tends to feel a little more random. And even if our every man, every kiss, every heartache is pre-ordered from a cosmic catalog, can we still take a wrong step and wander off of our own personal milkyway? I couldn’t help but wonder…can you make a mistake and miss your fate?
I’m always waiting for the bottom to drop off. I tend to live very conservatively…and I hate that. I hate that I’m always scared. Always wishing my life was more exciting and less predictable. This comfort zone that I have built is suffocating me…like a hamster in a glass cage. I can see freedom beyond the wall…but I keep going back to that damn wheel. When am I going to start living?
I think I must have minored in bitch-ology in college. Okay….so the company Christmas party is this Friday. I told David that it was going to be downtown Minneapolis and that I wasn’t too thrilled in walking by myself in the dark. I was joking that I would call him while I was walking to my car so that if someone mugged me, he could call 911 for me. Since then David has repeatedly said that he wanted to drive me there and pick me up. I couldn’t let him to do that…that’s so tacky since I didn’t invite David to go with me. I invited Dan.
New Year’s resolution: To get over Dan.
[December 3, 2006] Uh-huh….highly unlikely. I just got off the phone with Dan. He said, “I love you.” Just out of the blue. Just in passing. I was totally blown away…I mean, I know that he loves me…but just to say for no reason. Wow. David has yet to say those three little words…but I’m waiting.
But why am I waiting? I know this, but one of these days I will embrace it… “the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well that’s just fabulous.”
The real question in determining my [future] personal relationship is… “what do I want to come home to?” I never really talked to David about my 10 year marriage. He doesn’t know how sad and frustrated I was. He has no idea. My husband’s number one priority was his job and his business. I came in as a close second…unless you put video games in the mix…then I was a distant third.
When my husband courted me…he was so attentive…doting. After we got married, he forgot how to use the phone. After awhile he simply forgot I was there.
I will never be taken for granted like that again. I promised myself.
I survived yet another Christmas/New Year’s holiday. Once again…very happy that it came and went at the speed it did. Although I would much have rather slept right through it. But no one asked me what I wanted this year.
Dan called me at 3:55 this morning. He left a message on my cell indicating that I was on his mind and he hoped I would have a good day. How sweet is that…. How can I possibly ever say good-bye to him? This married man loves me. I don’t know whether to smile or cringe. But of all people I would take a leap of faith with…I would only with him.
David and I made it back from our London/Paris trip with relatively little drama. But something special did happen between us…David said, “I love you” on Thursday, February 15, 2007 at 11:00 p.m. London time in our hotel bathroom. I knew that he did…I was just waiting for him to finally confess.
I seldom thought of Dan while over seas…but I did buy him a little something…a bottle of gin. I told David it was for a friend. I quickly made up a female’s name. I’m sure David is wondering why he hasn’t met any of my friends. He will…someday…as soon as I find some.
I think I’m finally coming to my senses. [March 4, 2007] Or…guilt really works. I spent the afternoon with David yesterday but quickly left to hang out with Dan that evening. Shame on me! How can I continue to do this to David? Sweet, thoughtful, caring David. Who, I know, adores me. I’m so afraid that he will find out what a horrible person I am…a two-timing whore.
Life Lesson No. 35: You always marry someone who loves you more than you love them.
(March 30, 2007) Nineteen months into our relationship, and David finally buys my flowers. Roses to be exact. Three pink roses to be really exact. It was a wonderful surprise. He said he bought them for me because I have been sick. Hmmmm….I should get sick more often. He was going to buy red roses…but then he said he saw the pink ones and remembered I love the color pink. Sweet!
I just left Dan a voicemail message. I know he thinks something is up with me…being so “unavailable” and all. He must assume that I found a boyfriend by now. Well he’s right…but I still can’t get myself to confess that to him….not yet. I’m just not ready to say good-bye to him.
Easter is just right around the corner and once again, another stupid holiday means another stupid family get-together. Mom and Brad are putting pressure on me to spend it up north with them. Don’t wanna. Ever. But I guess I have to look forward to another ‘slit my wrist’ weekend with them. Dad was wanting me to spend part of Easter with him and Kathy. David assumed that we would make plans to spend it together. Let’s see….what do I want to do over Easter. Ah yes, stay at home and sit in her closet.
I think I just had an epiphany. I just realized what’s wrong with me. I’m selfish and self-centered. If it’s not all about me….if the focus is not on me….I’m jealous…and it pisses me off! Yes, I realize this is not ground breaking information, but perhaps that is the basis for my lack of social activity. I need to stop being me. I’m sick of me…perhaps others are as well.
I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. If I keep telling myself that maybe one day I’ll believe it. I just can’t seem to find my calling. I keep thinking…as a child, what did I want to be when I grew up? What do I excel at? What am I passionate about? I’m just so tired right now. As a child I had so many anxiety attacks that as an adult I’m exhausted. Nothing seems to inspire me anymore. I really don’t want to die...I just want the heartache and humiliation to stop.
I just had the most awkward conversation with Dan. I feel like the scum of the earth. I just want to crawl under a rock and die. I want to tell him everything. I want to tell him how much I love him…and that I would spin the globe and run away with him. I want to tell him about David. I want to tell him about what happened in London. So many secrets.
(May 4, 2007)
Last night I saw Craig. Okay, it was in a dream. He looked just as I remembered him. Beautiful. It was an awful de ja vu…when he turned to look at me…I quickly looked away. Good God! Am I back in high school again!!! I couldn’t let our eyes meet. But it gets worse. He had a wife…I saw the biggest diamond ring ever. The only consolation was that she was homely…and a tad chubby. They seemed happy together …touchy, feely…perhaps newlyweds. What a nightmare. Please God, just one more chance…preferably in real life.
Last night, after a few watermelon martinis, I drilled David about his past relationships. I woke up this morning wondering what he thought of my interrogation. I was just curious. I learned that his last serious relationship ended in 2002…not 2005 like I thought. And now he’s eight months away from turning 42. I couldn’t help wonder…what plans does he have for me.
If everything goes as planned…I should have access to the internet from home starting this weekend. I can finally shop online. But I can finally do something else too…search the personals. Why???
David and I are just a couple of months away from our two year anniversary. Everything is going fine. Great in fact. Then why am I feeling restless? David is so kind, generous, and thoughtful. Am I missing the drama? What’s wrong with me? Why won’t I let myself be happy for once? It’s like I need to feel depressed, insecure, and have anxiety attacks before I feel like myself.
June 23, 2007 is when David gave me a key and the security code to his house. Once again he has taken our relationship up a notch. Oh, and did I mention that he changed his security code to 0929…yep, my birthday. He did that so he wouldn’t forget it. Seriously, what am I going to do with him?
It’s Saturday night and I told David that I’m seeing a movie with a girlfriend. I’m actually meeting Dan…to see a movie. I feel horrible. I have had a slight headache all day. Tonight I have to tell Dan everything…well, not everything. I have to make it clear that I’m trying to work on a relationship. Translation: No sex. Kissing: Okay.
How many great loves do we get in a lifetime? One? Two? Three? After a near suicidal teen crush, a failed marriage, a deep emotional fling with a married man, and dating a man for two years who still I ponder the question day after day….is he The One? Do any of these relationships really qualify? Am I still waiting for my one great love? I can’t help wonder….is my time running out?
Last time I saw Dan was on July 7, 2007. The movie was mediocre…and our chemistry was on the rocks. That was 9 days ago. I haven’t heard a peep from him since then. Gee, what could have scared him off? Was it 1) telling him that David had given me a key/security code to his house or 2) the email I sent to him that contained an entry from my journal calling myself a home wrecker or 3) that I left so quickly after the movie….a quick kiss and *poof*…I was in my car heading home.
I have always known that my relationship with Dan would end badly…or at the very least…end on a sour note. And it did. I keep checking the obituaries to see if he died…perhaps to relieve myself of any fault. What’s done is done. I will forever remember Dan. The man I once loved.
Quoting a U2 song with a verse, “the men who love you, you hate the most, they pass right through you like a ghost.” First, my husband, then Dan, now David. Jennifer Roben, an attorney I used to work for, asked me if I was available to date. Without giving it a second thought I said, “yes”. She phoned the other day to set it up. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I had to work so I couldn’t go.
David loves me. Why am I trying to mess it up?
Dan left me a voicemail message a couple of days ago. I nearly fell off my chair when I heard it. I somehow thought that I would hear from him again…just not this soon. Apparently he cooled off from reading my last email to him. Or maybe he is just freakin’ lonely. Who knows. I haven’t responded to him…not sure what to say…I’m not entirely sure if I want to respond. I just feel that we over stayed our welcome in this relationship.
Speaking of relationships, why do I feel like taking a break from David? Well I will tell you why…last night we went out with David’s friends (Ryan and Darcy)…and he spent more time talking to them than me. He would look at me for a nano second. I was ignored. It was like being married all over again. I just cried for the first time in months.
I hate my boyfriend. I hate my lover. I hate my family. I hate my job. I hate my life. I swear to God the next semi truck I see I’m going to pull out in front of it.
(October 3, 2007) David and I just got back from our Las Vegas/San Francisco vacation. It started out good (Las Vegas)….and ended badly (San Francisco). We definitely stayed in San Francisco too long….like 3 days too long. With a tense moment with his sister (Susan) over driving our rented convertible….our vacation suddenly ended on a sour note. I said some things that I regret and some of David’s behavior was uncharacteristic of him. Oh well, what’s done is done. I think that is the last time I go to San Francisco.
Again, I feel like David and I should take a break.
My work environment is getting worse and worse. I just feel like an outsider there. I had a meeting with the human resource director (one of my many) to see about a possible desk change. But seriously, I think I need a new career…not a new desk.
Just had a birthday. Mom bought me some sandals (good), baked me a cake (bad). Brad bought me Viking drinking glasses (okay). Dad called me at work and wished me a happy birthday (that’s it). David bought me a watch (how romantic). And Dan completely forgot it was my birthday (whatever).
Gawd, I’m so depressed. I wish I could just click my heels and die.
Okay….I think I just realized what my problem is: I need to stop obsessing over my shit list…and start focusing on my life list. Make sense? I am so much more than the life I’m living. It just bums me out sometimes. I know I can do better. Geez, how did I get here?
The holidays are just around the corner (again). Mom asked me to invite David over for Thanksgiving. I told her he had other plans. Which was a lie. He’s actually staying home by himself. I figured I don’t want to see my family….why should I subject him too.
People talk about how painful their divorce was. Mine? I felt liberated. I’m free to be miserable because of me…not because of my husband. My husband was a workaholic and it killed our marriage. He used to always buy me flowers and jewelry. I have jewelry box full of rings, necklaces, and bracelets. That didn’t make me happy. The best thing a husband can give his wife is his undivided attention. Amen.
It’s three days until January 1, 2008. As I reflect back on 2007, it was okay….not too bad. I’m still alive…didn’t once think about swallowing an entire bottle of pills and washing them down with a bottle of Vodka. That, my friend, is progress.
My brother's exchange student gave me a book for Christmas. It's called "Be Happy - A little book to help you live a happy life." Hmmm...do I not seem happy? Does he know something that I don't? Am I that transparent? Am I just being paranoid? Ah, yes...paranoia...and over analyzing. First resolution: get over my paranoia and stop analyzing the hell out of the stuff. Okay, done. Next.
Last night I told David that if I had cancer that I would not go through chemotherapy. I believe the body heals itself. He said that I would die without chemo. I told him that he would then need to go back on Craigslist personals and find himself another woman. David said that he doesn’t want another woman. Really. Then why hasn’t he asked me to move in with him? Why, after almost 2 ½ years together, hasn’t he asked me to marry him? It’s not like I want to do either…but it would be nice if he would at least ask me. Sheesh!
I can’t help but wonder….what does David see in me? Why does he love me? Why is he always ‘in my face’? I’m not that pretty; I’m not that intelligent; I’m not that funny; I’m just not all that. Sometimes his generosity and kindness makes me feel uncomfortable because I’m incredibly narcissistic.
Hasn’t David realized that I’m controlling, moody, and nitpicky? On top of that, a germ freak, clutter-phobic, and a Republican.
My main happiness inhibitor is that if the glass is half full, I often empty it. Puncturing good moods by imagining worst-case scenarios. If everything’s fine but I have the sniffles, I immediately envision my illness escalating until I’m on my deathbed.
I had another dream about Craig Pilarski. I don’t have very many of them, but he does seem to pop up in my dreams every so often. Last night’s dream was so strange (aren’t they all). I was hanging with his wife and two kids...we were waiting for him. That’s it. He never did show his face in my dream. To this day, I am shocked and aghast that I didn’t turn into a full-blown stalker.
Some day I should tally up all my evil thoughts for the week. You’d be surprise how many suicidal and homicidal impulses I get.
My life would be so much better if I was dead.
It’s Valentine’s Day 2008. Looks like I will remain single this year. I didn’t receive any flowers at work. Poop.
(March 16, 2008) David called me at work today. He was feeling quite tired and hung over from a night of drinking with his buddies. He said that he doesn’t want to hang out and drink with them anymore. He said that last night he kept thinking about me and what I was doing…and how he’d rather have spent the evening with me instead. Furthermore, he said that after a couple hours of ‘catching up’…he didn’t really have fun after that. Now there’s some quotes that a girl would never read in Cosmopolitan.
(April 27, 2008) I just had a panic attack. An awful panic attack (aren’t they all?). I was typing in my journal (yes, this one) and I went to save it and I got an error message. I panicked and closed it. Then my journal DISAPPEARED!!!! Aaack! I tried to find it by using all my technology knowledge (or lack of)….but to no avail. (Please God, please help me find it. I don’t mean to call on you only when I need you but I really need you now. I promise I will keep in touch with you more often…just find my journal)
In the midst of my meltdown, I called David. He tried to help me over the phone, but he eventually came over. And he eventually found it! He drove over from St. Paul on a Sunday evening to help me find my journal (not my dissertation, but my personal journal)….yep, he’s a keeper.
Some say a daughter’s relationship with her father is the model for all her subsequent relationships with men. Is that just pop psychology or is there some truth to it? And if you were given a less then perfect model does that mean a life of less than perfect relationships? How much does a father figure figure?
I would have to say in my case….my dad put the “fun” in dysfunctional. He was always a womanizer who had a wife and kids at home. And me? I’m definitely in a relationship (going on 3 years with David). But I still scan Craigslist for potential flings. Amazing. I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree.
I have so many things that I want to do…that I want to accomplish. From organizing from filing cabinet to creating greeting cards and vacation scrapbooks to places I would like to go shopping to the books I want to read. But all I really to do is go home and sleep. What a waste of life.
One could literally put a label on my forehead the reads, “Third Wheel”. That is how I felt my entire life. I suppose if I had any redeeming qualities at all I would be out with friends instead of writing in my pity memoirs.
Are you there Vodka? It’s me.
(May 31, 2008) Today was the day that David announced that he has no paternal instincts. In other words, he has absolutely no interest in having children of his own. [okay, deep breaths] He added that he would rather spoil me instead. Hmm. He started his declaration by saying that he loves me very much and can’t picture us not together…but… So after almost three years together he finally “spits” out his view on children. Of course, after is verbal revelation, that day all I saw were adorable young children. Cute as buttons.
I just feel that it’s going against nature not to have a child…and David is slamming the door on the idea. I will never see my wide-eyed mini-me looking up at me. *sigh* Do I stay or do I go.
But then again, there are a lot of fabulous things in life that do not include children. And if I never get the opportunity to have a child…I damn well better see all of those fabulous things.
(August 16, 2008) David just got back from working in Shanghai for 4 weeks. Four fucking weeks…32 fucking days that felt like years because I was house/dog sitting during that time. Okay. David and I have been dating for 3 years and 18 days. He in deed brought me back a piece of jewelry. No…not an engagement ring. A necklace. A crystal necklace. Slightly gaudy, but I guess I should give him bonus points for bringing back any jewelry. Sheesh.
(September 19, 2008) David bought me an iphone for my birthday. Omigosh. I have this thing that can be used as a phone, a camera, an ipod, and a computer…at no cost to me. I was very surprised…and believe me, there’s not a lot of surprises in our relationship. But this definitely was. I wanted an engagement ring….but I’m “over the moon” with the iphone! If he sends me flowers at work, I just might have to propose to the guy.
Sometimes it’s just comforting to know that when I look up in the sky, we could be gazing at the same stars…..but I’m finally letting “him” go. Well, that’s the plan. Forget that I as recent as two nights ago, I googled “him”. I thought I found him on this website. So what did I do? I joined it. Uh-huh, that’s right.
I have been having suicidal thoughts again. I want so badly to slit my wrists. I want feel the cut slashing my veins…releasing all the sadness that consumes me…draining all my fears that control me. I need a reason to live. I need something to look forward to. I take a peek into the future and all I see is despair and hardship. That’s why I don’t believe in 401(k)s….that’s why I don’t believe in doctors….that’s why I’m scheduling a tandem dive….and pray that the chute doesn’t open.
(October 11, 2008) Well I can cross skydiving off my bucket list. Did it. What an amazing experience! It was way better than I had ever had imagined. I didn’t want the chute to open….I just wanted to free-fall to the ground. Poor David. He was so nervous. He said he must love me more than he thought because while I was in the air, he couldn’t talk to anyone because he was a nervous wreck. But sure enough, I made back to the ground safe and sound.
(November 26, 2008) I haven't talked to my mom since my birthday. I just got off the phone with her to discuss Thanksgiving plans. The conversation was awkward and one-sided. It's like there's this emotional barrier between us. I'm on one side and my mom is on the other side. There was no, "hey, how are you?" or "what have you been up to?" Nothing. It was I who was asking all the questions. She really doesn't care. I don't think I will tell her about my upcoming trip to New York City. Why open myself up for criticism. I might show her my skydiving video, if I feel it's safe.
If I ever have a daughter, I would call her, I would hug her, I would tell her nice things, I would tell her how proud I am of her... I was physically abandoned by my biological mother....and emotionally abandoned by my adopted mother. It's no wonder I'm screwed up.
December 14, 2008) This Friday I leave to visit New York City. I’m so excited. Actually I’m way beyond excited. I’m just afraid that I will never want to return home. I’m sure I can find a job, girlfriends, and certainly guys to date in New York. Gawd I’m bored here. Planning my escape…again.
(January 2, 2009) Well I did come back to Minnesota after visiting NYC. Still bored. What’s the saying…“If you’re not having fun…what’s the frickin’ point?” I guess I’m still searching for fun. Or attention. Or trouble. Or all of the above. But I can’t help but wonder….is this all that there is? My gawd.
(January 13, 2009) Last night David and I submitted a formal offer on a home. Er, I should say David did. Well he was the one who signed the Purchase Agreement....I sort of felt left out. I can say with certainty that I have been totally shut out during the whole financial process. I'm not quite sure if I should feel relieved or frustrated about that. But I have to admit, it is comforting that David got pre-approved all by himself....and that he hasn't asked me to contribute any money towards the down payment....because he probably knows that I wouldn't have much to contribute. Little does he know that I do have a small nest egg....I have never told him about my savings account...and he has never asked.
Deep breaths. Talk about mixed emotions. Seriously. Half of me is ecstatic to take our relationship to the next level. I really think living together will bring us much closer, not only (obviously) physically...but mentally and emotionally as well. David is my best friend. After learning about all my quirks (to put it nicely), he still loves me. BUT the other half of me is hesitant. The anti-change part of me. Am I willing to give up my freedom? To do what I want in privacy? To eat what I want when I want? To not to have to answer to anyone? To be around someone else's clutter? 24-7? *sigh* It's going to be a tough ride for awhile. The crystal ball definitely shows that.
In due time, the dog will die...David will learn that I crave my "alone time" and my privacy...and also how much I hate disorganization. All in due time.
Everytime I discuss my feeling with my family, I am constantly justifying why I feel that way. My family either disagrees with me or dismisses me altogether. It's a reocurring struggle for me. Like a courtroom battle. I'm the defendant and they are the prosecution. I hate it. It makes me feel small and inadequate. I’m met with criticisms and snide judgments with every decision I make. I wish, just one time, that my mom and my brother would say to me, “I’m proud of you” or “I’m happy for you”. Childhood is supposed to be happy, and if you can’t remember yours with any happiness, what hope have you later, when life starts handing you fresh grief? I guess that's why I avoid them like the plague.
I am really hoping that David won't be like that. Will he always be on my side? Can I count on him to "have my back"? Do I really need to have a heart-to-heart conversation with him about this? In the 3 ½ years of dating, David and I never really had a s-e-r-i-o-u-s discussion on anything. Nothing. At. All. Come to think of it….we never really expressed any deep emotions in front of each other. Never laughed until we “peed our pants”. Never shed a tear. Never raised our voices. Hmmm…. When are we going to stop being polite? And be a couple. A passionate couple.
(January 15, 2009) Okay it’s mid January and I haven’t thought up any New Years Resolutions….until today. From this day forward I am going to make a conscience effort to care. Yes, I said care. It’s not all about me. (Although it should be.) Nevertheless, I will stop wishing bad things on other people and start empathizing with other people’s feelings. K? K. Next.
(January 25, 2009) Good gawd! It’s so c-c-c-cold outside. All I can think about is sitting on a beach while consuming large quantities of tropical drinks with little paper umbrellas.
(February 5, 2009) David called me while I was on the bus this evening. He said we got the house. My first reaction was, “oh, shit”. (not out loud, of course) I should be happy. Hell, I should be ecstatic, but I’m not. Here we go again, I'm not happy and she can’t stop the train wreck. Everything was going so good. Why did we feel that we had to change things? If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. That really should be my motto. I must tattoo it on me somewhere.
(February 14, 2009) Valentine’s Day sucked. I got a cheap necklace and then we went out for tacos. BFD. Seriously. Another year of disappointment. No flowers delivered to my work place with a romantic note, no sexy lingerie, no expensive jewelry, no going to a restaurant that requires reservations, etc. And I have a feeling since David and I will be living together next year, Valentine’s Day will just go down hill from there on. I could shoot myself.
(February 25, 2009) I’m such a bitch. I’m such a whore. A deceitful tramp. I can’t stop it. Hello, my name is Me and I’m a sexaholic. I think I found my new lover. My new bootie call. His name is Chris. The sex was okay…just different. After we were done, he said I’m not that innocent. No, really???
Another guy who I have been exchanging sexually explicit emails with sent me a link to free porn. OMG! I can’t stop watching it. I have watched so much porn lately that I’m thinking of trying anal AND maybe fucking another woman. But I’m thinking it’s still going to take a vast quantity of alcohol before I’d “do” a woman. I just wished that website had clips of rapes and/or aggressive sex. But so far it does not.
(May 3, 2009) Okay, it's been almost a month of living in sin with David. And after a month....I can't help but wonder, was this a big mistake. I'm not sure which will kill me first. His clutter. His stupid mutt. Or his whining. Oh. My. God. Everyday I pray that his mutt would die of a stroke, run out in the street and get bopped by a car, or tumble down the stairs and crack her skull open. I just need her to be gone. Gone! I know I'm a horrible person for thinking those thoughts...because he loves that dog more than his parents. And it's really not the dog...she IS a sweet dog. It's David's behavior around her that makes me want to slit his wrist.
Don't get me started on the clutter. Joking aside, he has approximately 173 glasses/cups for two people! David lives the very definition of excess. Deep breathes. Okay, just a little more venting to do. Next. His whining and complaining. Jesus Christ. If he didn't have so much shit and daudled so much....perhaps he wouldn't have anything to piss and moan about. Thank goodness I have my office. Or as I call it, my safe haven. It's the only room in the house that the dog is not allowed to go in...everything is neat and orderly....and it's clutter free. Do I hear an A-men.
I used to think of myself as a good person. But deep down I'm just a selfish bitch.
(May 7, 2009) Okay something is wrong. Definitely wrong. I just can't 'put my finger on it'. I can't relax. The house is a disaster...and I don't give a shit. All I want to do is drink and sleep. I don't feel close to David and I'm trying to slowly kill his dog. WTF?!?!
Perhaps it's just PMS. Deep breathes. Things will get better.
(August 4, 2009) David didn’t kiss me before he left for work. He usually doesn’t but for some reason it bothered me this morning. I felt alone and very distant from him. It is like there was the horrible wall between us. It felt like we were married.
(August 15, 2009) Well August 12th came and went. It would have been our 14th wedding anniversary if it wasn't for my dramatic exit. I still think about Lee from time to time. I mean, we did have some good times, but unfortunately they were few and far between. I do wonder how he is doing. And if I have been replaced. I wouldn’t mind seeing him, but I know it would just be too painful for him. And perhaps a bit awkward considering how I left [so abruptly]. Oh well, live and learn.
Sometimes I feel it happening all over again with David. In terms of yet another wall being built. I can't stop it. Will David and me go down the exact same road? We're just not as close as we once were. And it's killing me. He used to say, “I love you” all the time, but now I can't remember the last time David said that to me. When was it????
I'm seeing Dan tonight. First time in almost 2 years. It will be good to see him again....but at the same time....heart-telling. Dan asked me if I was happy. My reply was that I’m happy enough. Who the hell is really happy anyways??
(September 6, 2009) I am always hoping that things will go my way. (who doesn’t?) In fact, I know I hope too much. I’m thinking that if I give up hope, I will feel much better. Just assume that things will not go my way. Then when they don’t, I won’t be so disappointed. Makes sense?
I do require a lot of attention. I truly am self-involved. I must be the center of attention. If not, I’m irritated and bummed….and thus planning my escape. I really don’t like to be irritated. I hate that feeling. It reminds me of being married.
(September 28, 2009) The eve of my 39th birthday. I'm so excited that I could slit my wrist. What a wasted life. What a worthless life. I'm 38, healthy, capable, had every opportunity - and I'm so far gone. I have so many dreams. I just need to wake up and follow them. What keeps me up at night? It's the what'ves, the could'ves and the should'ves. I just need to be inspired. Is that's so much to ask? Perhaps I need to go to life rehab. What are the limits of repentance and regret? Maybe I wasn't hugged enough as a child. Well, there's no maybe about it, I was seldomly hugged as a child. Ah, thank goodness for alcohol...anything not to be me.
(December 27, 2009) Perhaps I need to find God. I have heard he can do wonders. I just can't do this on my own anymore. It's too hard. It's too exhausting. I just need to believe in something or someone...anything. I hate it when I do pray to God...I always pray for something bad to happen to someone else. I think that way because I have always felt that there was a sign over my head that read, "Crap Here." Misery wants company. I try to scream internally. It's quieter that way.
(January 3, 2010) I know it's only a few day into the new year, but I have already committed a major sin and suffered a major disappointment. Is this is a preview of 2010? By gawd I hope not. If it is...by April I will be throwing myself in front of a moving train. Let's start with January 1st: I had sex with a 24 year old that I met off of Craigslist. I labeled him my bootie call. I'm a bad girl. A very very bad girl.
Then on January 3rd: David has been out of town since December 30th. Last night I sent him a text message saying, "Good night sweetie!" A minute later I received a text message back saying, "good night baby!!" I thought that was one of the sweetest notes from David. Only to learn this morning that Dean (David's friend) actually sent the text. A crushing disappointment.
(January 17, 2010) In the 4 1/2 years that I have dated David, today was the first time that I actually thought I wanted out of the relationship. But as I was planning my escape, it dawned on me....I don't have enough money to start over. *SIGH* It is so exhausting always having to defend myself. Just once, I wish David would be on my side. Support me and say something like, "yeah, I can see that" or "yeah, I agree with you." I was almost in tears. It reminded me so much of my marriage. Speaking of marriage, Dan emailed me a few days ago indicating that he wants to still be friends and was hoping to meet for a beverage. WOW. I kind of wrote him off. The last email I received from him (about a month ago) he made some snide remark about Tiger Woods and thanked him. HUH? I made a reference that we could probably bend the rules of engagement. (meaning that I had told him no sex since I was with David...that kind of put the kabosh on our relationship)
So Dan is now back in my life again. Like I didn't need more drama to deal with. Ugh. Just one more appointment in my calendar. Just one more secret that I have to keep. Just one more sin I'm committing. I know...I'm going to hell.
(April 3, 2010) Well I haven't heard from Dan in awhile. He was so...I need to see you baby...and I was like...okay. Now poof. Not a peep. My friend LeAnn is dating a married man that keeps stringing her along with all these empty promises and she "eats" it up...just like I did when I was seeing Dan. I finally get it. I threw away all of Dan's email that I printed. I deleted all his emails that I saved. I'm done. Gone. Now more. David loves me...and that feels good.
Tomorrow is Easter. I have to go see my mom and my brother...who I haven't seen or talked to since Christmas. Excited is not the word that comes to mind. My family makes me hate the holidays. Crap.
(May 17,2010) David did one of the sweetest things for me. A few days ago he picked some lilac flowers (granted they were from our front yard) and put them in a vase...and as they were getting old...he replaced them with fresh lilacs...and then snuck them back into my office. That was just so thoughtful. All is good now.
David is in Eau Claire for the next 10 days. I'm seriously trying to behave.
(July 19, 2010) Okay, I know it's been a few months since I've written...but I really didn't have anything interesting to write about....until now. This afternooon David had to put Scout down. I couldn't help but smile. I have waited for this day for about 5 years. That dog always annoyed me...maybe because she took David's attention away from me....or maybe because the way David 'babied' her made me roll my eyes. Whatever the reason is...no more hair, no more poop, no more stench, no more vet visits, no more coming back to the house every 6 hours, no more panting, no more stupid bed in the middle of the dining room, no more doggy treats laying around. Like I said...it's been a good day.
(August 9, 2010) Last night I had a dream where I was talking to this guy and instantly we had this explosive sexual chemistry that we both could not deny. But who was this person? I saw his face, but did not recognize him. The force that was pulling us together was just so powerful! It was like nothing I have ever felt in my life with anyone. Was he from my future?
(August 25, 2010) Today was the first time in my 5 year relationship with David that I had some [depressing] flashbacks to my marriage. I'm getting sick and tired of waking him up in the morning for work. I don't know why. It's just starting to really irritate me more and more every morning. It's like grow up and set your own damn alarm clock.
Another [horrifying] flashback, I feel my relationship with David is getting colder and colder by the minute. There's no more I love yous, no more cuddling, no more gazing into each other's eyes. The only time David wants to get physically close is to have sex. Kinda reminds me of someone else from my past. What the hell is wrong with holding each other????
I don't even know if I am "built" to be in a relationship. Maybe it's me who is causing all these problems to reoccur. I cannot even define what a healthy relationship is...I hate myself too much to even think beyond my own demons. Maybe I am just destined to be alone and that's why I push all these men away. Thank god alcohol is cheaper than therapy.
After 4 years of dating and 1 year of cohabitating, why won't David propose marriage to me? When I hear about couples getting engaged and they have only dated for a couple of years (or less)...it leaves me baffled about my own situation. Is marriage truly a foreign concept to him? My hunch is that, a) David just isn't the marrying kind (sort of a bullshit thought), or b) he is having second thoughts if I am truly "The One" (did he really believe his last girlfriend was?). And unlike my first engagement...I AM NOT GOING TO INITIATE IT. I am not even going to hint. It has to be totally David's idea. So in conclusion, I will probably die as a single gal. It's not that I am 'dying' to get married. It is just that it would be nice to be asked.
(September 26, 2010) It is 3 days before my 40th birthday. What if I never see that day? What if I die in a tragic accident? What if I die in a violent death? What if I die ON my birthday. I just cannot fathom getting old. It is like I cannot think of what life would be like after 40. It is dark.
As a birthday present to me, I am taking the day off from work. I am going to buy a loaf of french bread and some cream cheese and sit quietly in my closet...and reflect.
(September 29, 2010) Well, happy 40th birthday to me. I'm alive. I swear to god last night it felt like Christmas Eve...the night before the first day of school...I was so nervous and full of wonderment (is that a word?) I even drove around today...albeit feeling jinxed...I wanted to give fate every opportunity to kill me. It didn't.
As I promised myself...for lunch I sat in my closet eating a loaf of French bread with cream cheese on it. Yum-o. For dinner David is taking me to OCB (Old County Buffet). Yay!
Dan send me a Happy Birthday email. How nice of him. If it wasn't for Facebook, I'm sure he would have forgotten. I'm kinda so over him.
(November 7, 2010) O.M.G. Last night. Me. Marijuana. *scream* I have always wanted to try it...but couldn't find a dealer. No, seriously I have always wanted to see how it would effect me. And if I had smoked it correctly, I probably would have gotten high...but because I was a complete idiot, most of the drug was exhaled and not swallowed. *sigh* Oh well...at least I can cross off smoking weed on my bucket list.
(December 26, 2010) I hate purchasing gifts for people other than myself. I never really like the gifts I receive from people (with the exeption of gift certificates). I can't stand being around family. So yea, Christmas is just not my holiday. Dreaming of the Carribean around this time of the year.
Oh and btw, David got me pajamas from Christmas. Yes, you read that right. Of all things in this world...pajamas. I'm thinking thanks just doesn't cover it. Bloody hell.
(January 1, 2011) No engagement ring. So happy New Year to me.
(February 5, 2011) I swear David mentioned getting married last night while we were at a buffet. Something about London...living there...we'd have to get married there. I think I heard him right?? It went went all too fast. I quickly changed the subject to...oh, we would have to give up our Twins tickets. Doh! Why Jodee???
